This is [my] 40 (4 days after)

I felt the need to do a bit of a wrap up post following my 40 days before 40.  (In case you’ve been following and wondering, no secret admirer has yet revealed himself…)

The last two weeks leading up to my birthday were such a blast.  I have so many amazing people in my life that celebrated me in a myriad of unexpected ways.  They took me to theme parks, restaurants, and museums.  They bought me pedicures, massages and gifts. They hugged my neck, they showed up in force (which is by far the best gift someone could give me), they watched me blow out 40 candles…in two big puffs.

Even Downtown Los Angeles decorated for my birthday.

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Let’s just say that Monday was a bit of a let down!

It’s not like I was curled up in a ball on my floor or something but on Monday morning, after the festivities and friends that had spanned the previous two weeks slowed back to the normal pace of life, I found myself feeling really lonely for a moment.  And little details that I hadn’t even been thinking about all weekend were suddenly looming as unmet expectations.  I had to face the realization that there was a small part of me that had built up some unconscious expectations in the weeks before my birthday.  (Having a very public countdown on my blog probably didn’t help that.)  And I had the choice to let a few tiny things get in the way of all of the joy I had been feeling 24 hours earlier.  So I gave myself 30 minutes to be sad on the way to work…and it mostly worked itself out.

The thing is, life has been feeling a little magical the past few months and for a second there I thought the magic went away.  Things that I’ve asked for or spoken out loud have sort of materialized or, in some cases, seem like there’s a good chance they might. There are some big things I’ve been hoping for that I can actually see possibility in.  I know that’s cryptic.  I guess I’m afraid I might jinx some stuff (but I’ll keep you posted).

The reality is that the “magic” has been about learning to say what I want.  Out loud. To people.  The “magic” is that people have responded because they love me or because they respect me or because of a mix of both.  I think a little part of me was worried that the responses would stop once the birthday did.

But they didn’t.  They continue.  There are new things on the horizon.

The “magic” of the past few months has also been about learning to do what I want.  Right now.  With people. Instead of telling myself all the ways that something won’t work before I even get started or waiting for someone else to give me permission.

This is my 40.  This is my magic.  I claim it as mine.  And if it goes away tomorrow, I’ll know I’ve embraced it today.

 

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