Spread Too Thick

Never in my life have I ever heard another human being say, I’m spread too thick.

But I’ve heard a lot of people, including myself, use the following phrases:

I’m spread too thin.

I have too much on my plate.

I’m overwhelmed.

There aren’t enough hours in the day.

I’m burning the candle at five ends. (Okay…that one might just be me.)

I’ve uttered at least half of those today alone.

I was really pondering this this morning as I groggily rolled out of bed, having a hard time waking up after yet another restless night. I was pondering it as I drove almost an hour to teach this morning and then another hour from one school to another to teach again in the afternoon. I was thinking about all the things I care about. My friends, my family, my job, my blog, my film script, my theatre company, all the kids who need to be adopted, the Syrian refugees… And all the things I want to do that I “don’t have enough time for” right now like my friends and my family and my blog and my film script and foster kids and volunteering at a non-profit that I’m interested in and reading all the books and learning all the things…and going to a yoga class or just plain taking a walk in the fresh air.

Why can I never seem to focus my life into a manageable whole? When I’m busy, I can hold things together for a while but eventually I run out of strength and energy and find myself asking again what I’m doing wrong as I sit and stare at another episode of Castle to try to give my brain a rest.  (Thank you for the West Side Story diversion, Nathan Fillion.)

The thing is that what I’m saying yes and/or want to say yes to are all good things. (Except maybe television and Facebook…I could probably do without those.) In this season where I’ve been trying to say yes more often as to avoid saying no because of fear, I’m starting to wonder if I’m saying yes to too much. I’m trying to figure out which, of all the things I care about, are the things I care about most. And honestly, I’m not entirely positive where to start or what to let go.

And then I have to ask if I’m really trying to do too much or if I’m just not managing the time I do have well enough…or which percentage of which of those things is truer.

As I was thinking about this today, I ran across Elizabeth Gilbert’s daily Facebook post, THE SECRET TO HAVING MORE ENERGY and felt like I was reading a page of my journal…but written six years down the road by a better writer full of much more wisdom about balance than I have right now.  It was so what I need to hear…to remember that I’m not alone in this and that there is a path through.

I don’t have the answers for myself yet. But I know I need to find them because I don’t want to feel spread too thin. I don’t want to half ass too many things. The reality is that I like a lot of things thick…like peanut butter and blankets and baby thighs and chunks of time. There will always be seasons of life that are crazy but I hope that as I grow and mature and continue to find my pace that I will learn to give more to less and take a deep breath when I can’t and remember that tomorrow is another day.

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